Christian Dating For Young Adults
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You think about it a lot. You wonder who it will be. You wish it could happen soon but it completely freaks you out. So let’s talk about it: dating.
Marriage is exciting. It’s wonderful, beautiful, and to be desired. It’s also hard, excruciating, joyful, hurtful, and incredibly fulfilling — at least this is what married people tell me, and from watching them, I believe it.
But before anyone can get married they have to go through the process of getting to know a person and pursuing love for them (at least if you practice the Western tradition of pursuing marriage).
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Some people call this dating, other people call it courting — there are likely countless terms you could use for the process. In this article I am going to call it “dating” and define it as “the process of finding a spouse.”
I do not claim to be an expert: I realize that many varying opinions about dating float around Christian circles jumping over each other, getting mixed together, and consuming some people. I do not intend to defend a certain set of rules, or refute any. Neither will I pretend like I have the best advice, since I am not even married. Married people have the best dating advice since they have already done it!
My goal is to simply pass on, from one teen to another, some thoughts I have developed from my observations, personal experience, and advice from others.
So here goes:
1. You Don’t Need to Date
Your quality and purpose of life is not determined by whether or not you date or get married.
Always pursue God and health (spiritual, emotional, and physical) and you will be fine. If you meet someone who you want to do life with or that God is laying on your heart to pursue romantically, then you will still be fine.
Either way, the quality of your life is what you make it.
2. Be Mature in All Your Relationships
Feel free to interact with those of the opposite gender. It is not inappropriate; talking to someone does not mean you have a “crush on them” nor does it mean they have one on you.
Do not flirt: you are a grown up. You do not need to flirt in order to have fun with those of the other sex. Avoid doing anything you will regret once you are married.
One question you could ask yourself is “If I were married, would I mind my spouse knowing ‘that’ about me? And if I wouldn’t, then why am I doing it?”
Do not be self-conscious, but self-evaluate. In other words, do not focus on how you are being perceived, but instead focus on how you are making other people feel.
3. Honor Your Parents
They really do know more. Not only do they know more about life, dating, and men and women; but they know you pretty good, too.
Whether it is when, who, or how, honor what they think. Honor does not always mean doing exactly what they want, although it does many times. Rather, honor is placing high value on something. In this case, honoring your parents means valuing their opinions, advice, and rules.
Remember, more than likely they have dated at least once before. Furthermore, the honor you show your parents will set a precedent for how your kids honor you.
4. Do Not Stalk!
Stalking breeds infatuation and is disrespectful. Since “what you feed is what will grow” stalking will likely nurture a fantasy of familiarity and romance in your own head, while it may never have even crossed the other person’s mind.
Also, it is just down-right disrespectful. There is a reason we call stalkers “creepy.” Your crush is not an object for you to drool over, nor do you have to know everything about them or always be around them.
If you want to get to know someone, be bold about it. Talk and interact with them, face-to-face if you can, but give them plenty of room to breathe. If they do not respond in like manner, back off.
If you want to get to know someone, be bold about it. Talk and interact with them, face-to-face if you can, but give them plenty of room to breathe. If they do not respond in like manner, back off. Click To Tweet
5. But Don’t Be Afraid To Date
Marriage is a worthy pursuit. Unless you have been given the gift of celibacy (which is probably not the case, since you decided to read an article about dating), marriage is for you.
The purpose of dating is to see if two people are a match. Do not be afraid if it does not work out, you have still fulfilled your purpose in dating.
6. Remember Everyone’s Story Is Different
There are no formulas for dating. Just because it happened a certain way for your older siblings or friends does not mean it will be that way for you.
For instance, some people fall in love immediately and they have a smooth dating experience. For other people, although God may be leading them, the feelings for each other take time to develop.
Some people date for many years, others date for months, or even weeks. Like any relationship, dating and marriage should not be put into a box.
7. Know the Person Before You Date
Although it is not crucial to be good friends before you start dating, the better you know someone the, well, better.
8. Celebrate the Differences
There will be differences, but they do not have to break the relationship. Enjoy them; laugh at them; be okay with learning. Differences are beautiful.
9. Take Dating Seriously
The reason you are dating is not just to have fun. Pursue the other person and treat them with honor. If you cannot do that, then you should not be dating: it is not fair to either of you. Remember, you are trying to figure out if the two of you are a marriageable match.
10. Lighten Up!
Have some fun! Your relationship is not so important that you cannot enjoy yourselves!
Although “to have fun” is not the purpose of dating, dating should be fun. Make memories! Laugh! Do romantic things, do normal things, do things together, and do things with your friends! Marriage will be one of the hardest things you do, so set a joyful precedent.
11. Always Pursue Spiritual Health First
I mentioned it before, but it’s worth repeating: always pursue health. It will benefit all of your relationships, ministry, career, and potential marriage.
If you want a healthy spouse, you need to be a healthy person right now. Click To TweetIf you want a healthy spouse, you need to be a healthy person right now. Any kind of health, whether spiritual, emotional, or physical, takes time and hard work. Start today.
Originally Published on 9/9/2014
Three months ago I went on my first date.
I planned my outfit days in advance. My mom took pictures of me. My stomach was a knot of nervous (and excited) anticipation. My date and I had been friends for a while and we both liked each other, so it was a natural step. But no one knows how a first date will go. Will there be awkward silence? Will I say something stupid? Will we even like hanging out one-on-one?
This date went perfectly, though, which led to second, third, fourth, and many dates since then.
But entering the dating world still felt scary. And complicated. How do we date to the glory of God? Or are we supposed to call it courtship? What’s the difference? And how involved should our parents be? What about boundaries? Since God’s Word doesn’t provide specific answers to these questions, young Christians are often left feeling overwhelmed and confused. I’ve definitely been there.
But I’ve also had a sense of confidence, because my parents invested the time in preparing me to date well. Throughout my teen years, they both taught me intentionally and cultivated organic habits that contributed to my understanding of dating.
I’m certainly no expert (I’ve been dating for a grand total of 100 days), but I’ve learned a lot about how to prepare to date—and how to prepare my future children to date.
For parents of kids or teenagers, here are six of those things:
1. Encourage open communication.
From as early as I can remember, I knew that I could talk to my parents about anything—questions, crushes, curiosities. No topic was off-limits. If I had questions about relationships, my parents wanted me to ask them. If I disagreed with them, I was welcome to voice that and dialogue about it. Fostering open and regular age-appropriate communication was the foundation of helping me prepare for (and then navigate!) a dating relationship.
Learning to communicate well with the people you’re closest to is key for a healthy relationship. By training your kids to prioritize communication, you’re training them to enter a romantic relationship equipped with the tools to encourage openingly, criticize honestly, and forgive freely.
2. Read biblical books on romance together.
My parents and I have read a lot of books together—including a lot of Christian books on dating and marriage. These sparked loads of healthy conversations and nuggets of wisdom I’m applying today. However, I also learned that no book can perfectly prepare you for your own unique story, and forcing a certain system or formula onto your relationship is not always ideal.
Reading these books was always in connection with reading God’s Word together. My parents led family worship each night, and as we read through books like Proverbs, they never passed up an opportunity to instruct my brother and me on the wisdom of choosing a godly partner.
3. Dispel rom-com fantasies.
My mom and I love a good, clean romantic comedy (we binge Hallmark Christmas movies with the endurance of Olympic athletes). But we also love poking fun at them, because something my mom has done since I was young is show me the unreality of them. Let’s get real: Who wears full makeup to bed every night and wakes up looking flawless? Life is not like a rom-com; it’s much more ordinary, unglamorous, and boring.
And it’s critical to learn this before entering a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself terribly disappointed.
That’s something my boyfriend and I are trying to incorporate into our relationship now. We don’t want every date to be flashy and magical because that’s just not a reflection of real life. So instead of always dressing up and going to fancy restaurants, we go shoe shopping together and play board games with my brother and get ice cream from McDonald’s.
The Bible shows us that all of life should be about loving God most and serving those around us (Matthew 22:36-39). Romantic relationships should reflect those priorities, and my parents taught me that early. They helped me see that sequestering ourselves from community and accountability and idolizing romantic feelings is unwise and unbiblical.
4. Discourage starting too early.
When I was 15, I bought a t-shirt that said, “No Boyfriend, No Drama.” My dad loved that shirt. And there is a lot of wisdom in it! Teens deal with a lot of drama—and romantic relationships severely amplify that drama. But that’s not the only (or even best) reason to discourage dating in middle or high school.
The Bible doesn’t have a category for casual dating. It has a category for friendship, and it has a category for marriage. That space in between should be intentional. I don’t think God’s Word leaves room for casually dating purely “for fun” (with no desire for commitment). The Bible calls us to pursue purity and to “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
Because of that, I’m dating because I want to see if my boyfriend and I are compatible for marriage. That’s why I wholeheartedly agree with Marshall Segal’s advice: “Wait to date until you can marry.” So don’t let your kids start too early. By saving them from potentially unwise or premature relationships, you’re teaching them that “the greatest prize in any life, regardless of our relationship status, is to know Christ and be known by him, to love him and be loved by him.”
5. Instill the importance of character.
During my pre-teen and young-teen years, my parents and I often talked about the importance of character. Character was particularly important in choosing friends. As I got older, my mom helped me understand that the character I looked for in a friend should be the same character I looked for in a boyfriend. Is he honest? Does he have integrity? Is he hard-working? Is he encouraging? Character is key.
My mom was especially concerned that I learn about character before I start dating because, as she warned, “Mr. Dreamy” can change everything. Romantic feelings and physical attraction can manipulate and deceive us. When someone attractive starts showing an interest in you, it’s tempting to follow your heart into danger. But if your primary focus is character, you’ll be better able to exercise discernment and self-control. Train your kids to love God’s truth and pursue his wisdom above all else.
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6. Model a healthy relationship.
Over the years, my parents taught me a lot of profound lessons, but nothing prepared me to date better than watching them model a healthy and biblical relationship. Next February they’ll celebrate their 27th wedding anniversary. They’ve consistently modeled a relationship built on mutual trust and faithfulness, encouragement, service, and genuine respect for one another.
Of course, it hasn’t always been perfect—but that’s taught me too! They’ve helped me see how relationships are hard work. They’re messy, they’re complicated, and they require dying daily to yourself for the sake of another person. That’s what a gospel-shaped life looks like, because that’s what Jesus’ life looked like.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:3-8)
Doing romance God’s way requires more than feelings and fluff; it requires humility and selflessness. It requires repentance and reconciliation. That’s not easy.
But it is worth it, because relationships are incredibly good gifts from an unbelievably kind God. He’s given us relationships to reflect his character and goodness. He’s given marriage as a picture of Christ and the church. And he’s given us romance to glorify him and sanctify us, to increase our worship and our humility, and to bring joy and wonder to our lives.
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That’s the kind of romance I want.